Although people look alike, with
four limbs and a torso and a head, their feelings do not come around the same
away. Self–consciousness is something that is different for everyone; some
people need practice in order to do well without much hesitation, while others
are just naturally comfortable presenting in front of an audience. It all
depends on the person.
Unfortunately, I am one of the
practicing types; I just cannot get through a speech without the twitching and
the scratching. What I am trying to say
is that I get nervous through presentations. Recently, last year, I felt
self-consciousness throughout a drama presentation I was given for homework,
due the following week. I decided to group up with students that I usually did
not talk to even though of course my
closest friends are the best to work with. They jump and flip and soar this way
and that, right in front of the TV screen with a pencil and a piece of paper
placed on the table, “ready” to work. No, they are just not the people I would
want to work with. In fact, they are the worst people to work with. There might
be one or two of my friends who are mature but really, at high school, the only
subject most students seem to focus on is girls and games. Sure I might have more fun
with students I actually know, and sure the presentation could be cooler with
those students, but consequences kick in. I would get nothing but a big, fat
zero if I teamed up with my friends.
Anyhow, for the play, we had periods of class
to practice and rehearse over and over again, so we did not do much out of
class but some sound effects as well as the facial expressions and positioning we
had to work on. We gathered after school in front of Starbucks near the village
and ambled to one of the group members, Nima’s house on the last day with an
opportunity to practice. We found ourselves with no problems, and feeling over
confident, we all left for home.
The very next day, when I arrived
at school, the first thing I learned was that my bright friend, Nima, changed some
of the parts in the play at the last second. The changes were unnecessary. They
weren’t needed, but yet now we had to perform the new version because we knew
we wouldn’t be able to remember our lines without the script. All of my group
members became anxious and they started blaming each other for this and that,
that and this. I was just there, sitting on a chair and gazing at a blank wall,
worried about the play. Would we do well? Would we make mistakes? I kept
asking these questions, which I could not answer, when abruptly the teacher
suddenly called our names. We all froze; we weren’t even close to ready and we
were picked first. What were the odds of that happening?
Despite my friends’ background
noise of laughter, hysteria, and panic, I retained my composure and went on
with the play. It wasn’t turning out so
bad. My group members were doing exactly
what was
told on the script. The sound effects and visuals were perfectly lined up
against our play. Everything was great, until I flipped two pages without
noticing. Worried and lost, I was sweating and adrenaline was pumping through
my veins. Without much thought, I decided to end the play, forgetting about the
rest, and said, “The End” with a lack of confidence. I stormed to my desk and
hid my face under my arms, knowing that it was entirely my fault. I could just
feel my group glaring at the unfathomable me, as they were treading back to
their seats.
The pressure I felt as a result
of my “self-consciousness” killed my communication skills, and I just don’t
understand how. I certainly need not
feel fear, up on the stage, and yet I do. I certainly need not worry, and yet I do. It is
such a hard concept for one to conceive of. At the end of class, we all got to
see our marks for the play. My group got a 79 percent. The bell had rung and I
was tramping across the hallway with gloom. I saw my friends down on the far
end. They bragged. The mark they got as group was something everyone would
want; a 98 percent. They had scenes that were beautiful with the exact actions
fitting in the background sound effects and everything seemed so perfect.
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